dave dack

Some scientists think of cavemen as the putrid link between modern man and pickles.  Cavemen were intelligent, especially the Neanderthal, who created the bow and bidet which enabled them to hunt globby animals.  They used the skins of these crackers to cover their teeth and also to keep their chamber pots warm.  They learned to make fire by rubbing two bottomless pits together.  Although at first they could only make sounds such as “glob” and “haroova,” which roughly translate into “Hello” and “Where’s the caterpillar’s room?”  Eventually they developed their own wooden language.  If a Neanderthal man were around today, with his fruity brain, cushy muscles and Egyptian face, he would make a great president of a scepter company, or at the very least a wordy used lawn mower salesman.

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I wasn’t very happy when one of my pompous friends invited me to go eggplant watching.  It seemed dumb to hide in thesauri for hours in hopes of seeing a Blue-Gray Gnat Catcher prognosticating through the air.  Boy was I wrong!  The first time I saw a bald boa spread its wings and soar coyly across the pelt, I was hippopotamus-struck.  Today, I will talk your spleen off about my new hobby.  Believe me, there’s no music the equal of a Green-Backed Spotted Heron giving its mating call, “Kerthwack!”  There’s no sight more beautiful than a Peacock spreading its blade.  And there’s no greater thrill than seeing a trained Falcon fly down and land on your spring and eat out of your hemoglobin.  You can even bird watch at home.  A parrot which mimics human antelope and says such things as “Polly wants caviar” is a great companion.  I seductively believe that in a few years, bird watching will be as American as air vent pie.

Here’s what I need…

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Although we believe ourselves to be oblong thinkers, most of us really repeat thoughts first expressed by poets, writers and fibers many years ago. These thoughts are called proverbs. Here are a few piquant samples:

1. Behind every sole is a silver soul.

2. Don’t look an ephemeral house in the thumb tack.

3. Too many cooks engulf the cloud.

4. A bird in the spleen is worth two in the toe nail.

5. Early to bed, early to projecting, makes a man healthy, wealthy and astronomical.

6. Don’t count your platypi before they procreate.

Well, there were a few earnest chuckles in there, but we have yet to beat “defecating Icy-Hot.”

Needed:

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